A Little Bit Longer
by writeonkay
Summary: Everything was planned for the summer, it was supposed to be perfect. A reminiscent vacation with a struggling family, a world tour with the guys, and from there, a potential break out career. Yet, in an instant, it's gone, it's all taken away, and all James is left with is one choice: Is it worth it to let go, or can he hold on and get through everything just a little bit longer?
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N; So yes hello, I've thrown up something new again, alert the masses. I feel like with the lack of things going on in the collective fandom recently that writing BTR fanfic is my method of keeping it alive, which is probably lame, but still true. So here's something new from me. Showverse, pretty obviously. But it's loosely based off of the book If I Stay by Gayle Forman (go read it, oh my god it's phenomenal). The preview for the movie adaptation came out recently and that's honestly what inspired me to pull this swing on it out. If you haven't read that book/seen the preview for the movie and have no idea what this story is about to be about, good luck to you, friends. Good luck to all of you, we're getting very emotional very fast. Fair warning, though, I am changing the POV each individual chapter (for ex: this chapter is in James's point of view, the next one I have planned to do in Carlos's, then Kendall's, then Logan's.) Just a heads up.**_

_**S/O to my best friend Kacie for putting up with the emotional turmoil I've put her through in telling her about this story and all that's gonna happen.  
And as always, huge thanks to anyone who enjoys this story enough to tell me so and to follow/favorite, all that good stuff. If you do it, you're fab and I love you, really I appreciate it a ton.**_

_**WHEW OKAY. Done talking now. Hope you like it~**_

_**-Kay.**_

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**Chapter 1**-

Summer was incredibly different this year. Back in elementary school and middle school, Brooke had always tried to incorporate _something _as a special Diamond family vacation to kick off the summer. In the last handful of years that had changed. First it was because of the divorce. James hadn't even been surprised when that first summer after all the fighting and all the separating there actually was no vacation to be had. That had been sixth grade.

Seventh grade he and his mother had picked up the tradition, just the two of them. They had gone to Washington DC that June. James had moaned and groaned and dragged his feet through the historical establishments. Eighth grade was much better because it was the first year Diamond family vacation turned into a Diamond-Knight-Garcia-Mitchell camping trip. Kicking off the summer before they all began high school together with his three best friends had been the summer James called his favorite for a long time.

High school changed everything. The summer between freshman and sophomore years, James had spent almost the entire summer in a music training program. His ongoing dream to be a pop star hit an all time high as he had grown up, grown to obviously become "the pretty one" that he was considered for the few years to follow. That summer lacked in family vacation, lacked in best friend interaction, and ended up bringing back an overly confident –arrogant, even- and even more musical James.

The summer after sophomore year, he and the guys were living in a completely different world. That summer was the first tour for the four of them as Big Time Rush, spent trying to create their reputation, prove themselves as a band. As fun as it was, it was also a time of intensity for James. He had had the most to lose if the tour had flopped, so he had been more than a little obsessive in his perfectionist ways.

Of all the summers so far, the one after junior year had been the best –James's favorite by far. Big Time Rush's world tour had been –no pun intended- the time of his life. He and the guys got to go to so many places he could have only ever dreamed of before they were a band. They did so many shows that tour, they got to meet so many fans, James got to kiss so many girls –obviously his highlight.

This summer, though, this summer was different. He and his three best friends had officially graduated high school –albeit at the Palm Woods school instead of the hometown school they had started out at back in Minnesota. They were going to be going on another world tour across the country, the last tour all four of them were going to be able to go on before Griffin demanded his break out change once again. The tour kicked off toward the end of the month, their graduation at the start of June, so they all had a little bit of time to kill. What made this summer so odd, other than the unavoidable fact that he was quickly growing up, was the fact that both of his parents were present in one place for his graduation and not only seeming to get along, but suggesting that the three of them –"for old time's sake"- took a "family" trip together before he left with the guys for tour.

"This is insane." James huffed.

It was the day after the graduation ceremony and the fabulous celebration that had been complete with a great performance on their behalf. Now, courtesy of a non-arguable demand from his mother, the brunet seventeen year old was throwing together clothes and essentials in a suitcase to go off on this short vacation –one he had no doubt at all was bound to be more than awkward. His blond haired band mate balled up a t-shirt and tossed it over to him.

"Dude," Kendall chuckled. "You used to love Diamond family vacations.

James rolled his eyes as he properly folded the shirt that was thrown at him. "Yeah, back when I was eight and my parents could go more than a few hours without wanting to set each other on fire."

"They seem to be doing alright." Logan noted from where he sat at the house-communal computer desk, facing the screen.

"For now, maybe." Eyes falling on the prestigious looking webpage open on the computer screen, he kinked a brow after a beat. "What are you doing?"

"Signing up for online college courses for the summer term." The shorter boy answered matter of factly.

"Of course you would."

Making a reach for a piled stack of paired socks waiting to be stuffed into his suitcase was halted as Carlos abruptly launched himself up from where he had been sulking quietly on the floor at the end of the yellow swirly side. The smaller boy's arms wound tightly around James's middle, the initial impact earning a quiet noise of surprise from the taller of the two.

"I don't want you to leave." Carlos complained in a dejected mumble.

With a light laugh, James brought the hand that had fallen to rest on Carlos's shoulder up to tap against the top of the Latino's familiar hockey helmet.

"I'll only be gone a week, Los."

"And then he'll be on tour with us for like two and a half months and we'll get tired of him all over again." Kendall joked.

"Hilarious." James rolled his eyes.

Carlos disentangled himself from the brunet after James had given him another one-armed hug. He perched on the arm of the colorful couch, squinting down at the contents of James's suitcase.

"Where are you guys going again?"

"Just down to San Diego for the week. Gonna hang out at the beach, maybe visit Shamu or something." James answered.

"You can work on your tan." Kendall said.

"If anyone needs to work on their tan, it's you. You literally blend in with your white sheets. And I-" He paused, making an exemplifying motion up and down toward himself. "I am perfect."

"Yes!" Logan raised his voice enthusiastically.

James pointed toward the dark haired boy, winking over at him despite the fact that Logan had yet to actually turn around. "Thank you, love the enthusiasm."

"What? Oh." A confused expression crossed Logan's face as he turned in the swivel chair finally. "I was excited about the available astronomy class I just got to sign up for."

Kendall flopped over onto his side on the couch in his laughter, James frowned in response.

"You pain me, Logan, _pain _me." He muttered, being melodramatic as he brought a hand to his chest, clutching over his heart.

"You're fine." Logan snickered, maneuvering in the rolling chair he sat in to move over to the side of the couch Carlos was seated on the arm of, both pairs of dark eyes peering into the brunet's suitcase now. "Did you pack extra socks and underwear?"

"Yes, mother." James replied.

"And your phone and I-pod chargers?" Carlos checked as well.

"Guys," Kendall sat up from where he had still been on his side after laughing. "James is a big boy, I think he can remember necessities for a _week_, chill out."

Logan brushed the blond off with a dismissive wave of his hand and James snickered under his breath. Truth be told, James was positively soaking up the doting attention. He loved almost any and all attention given to him. Logan taking on the role of mama duck keeping her ducklings in line came as no shock. Carlos's half clingy, half mopey puppy dog look wasn't anything new either. Then, as usual, there was cool and collected Kendall, not a care in the world, trying to be the collective level head for the sake of the rest of them. He always did that, regardless of situation. It was one of those things about Kendall that James admired while simultaneously wanting to strangle him for on occasion.

"Don't get too used to vacationing. You're gonna come back and be thrown right into tour rehearsals, no mercy." The blond warned.

James rolled his eyes. "Please. All you losers are the ones who barely survive rehearsals."

He didn't miss the way that Carlos frowned and Logan scoffed, getting a quiet chuckle from him. Zipping up his suitcase a moment later, satisfied with the last of his packing, the brunet breathed out a sigh. He couldn't lie and say that taking a vacation, even somewhere not so far from home, sounded really nice. The beach, the sunshine, the time to himself. He loved the guys to death, but they all practically lived in each other's pockets lately.

After Griffin's big "necessary break out" announcement they had all somehow managed to cling to each other even more than usual. James was just as guilty as any of them of clinging to Big Time Rush and their loyalty to themselves, each other, and their friendship, but, god, it was getting exhausting. Getting away, from any and all of it, that would be refreshing. He would be able to come back after being in San Diego and he would drink up all the attention from his friends –all the questions about how vacation was, all the "I missed you"s. Then he would positively _own _tour rehearsals, give it his absolute all –not that he ever did any less than his best in everything (except for maybe school, sue him.) All of it would work out, be good, even. Given his parents didn't want to start World War 3 along the way, that is. That was the only thing seeming to perpetuate any apprehension in him still.

For a second time, Carlos jolted James in surprise as he launched himself at the taller boy, clinging around his midsection.

"Carlooos." James whined, squirming in the tight circle of the smaller boy's arms. "Don't be such a girl." He chuckled jokingly.

"I think we need a group hug." Kendall declared, getting up from the couch.

James shot him a glare, well aware that the blond was totally pulling that card on purpose. Logan stood from the desk chair, following their makeshift leader. Carlos's arms squeezed tighter around his middle as the other two boys hugged him, too, three pairs of arms wrapping around him and holding onto him tightly. He huffed shortly in false irritation.

"I hate all of you."

The smile he couldn't seem to fully suppress from crossing his face actually suggested the opposite.

Driving to San Diego with both of his divorced parents in the same car proved to be just as full of awkward tension as James had feared. Evidently whatever semblance of decent attitudes and getting along with one another that his mom and dad had for a short while had just as quickly worn off. The car was quiet, his mom even leaving the radio off as they drove down the highway. James texted Logan, hoping for some boy-genius response to dealing with the tension. After several "LoganLoganLogan," "Help me," "I need your brain," "Distract me," and "Dude what are you even doing right now I have Logan needs this is priority" texts that went unanswered, the brunet had taken to dejectedly slumping against the back car door, hazel eyes flicking between his mom and dad in the passenger and driver's seats.

"Sooo," James started awkwardly, eyebrows raising. "Can I assume that we're _not _gonna be happy family-ing it on this vacation after all?"

Brooke sighed, her agitation becoming more apparent as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "James, please."

"Honest question. This was _your _guys' idea, not mine." The teenager mumbled with a roll of his eyes.

"Lose the attitude." His father spoke up finally, voice sharp as his hands flexed around the steering wheel.

A frowned creased the tall brunet boy's brow as he shifted from leaning against the car door to sit up straighter. As much as he was looking forward to a little beach relaxation and the possibility of girls in bikini's totally inevitably fawning over _the _James Diamond, the longer they spent in the car, the more he was rethinking the whole thing.

"I wanna go home." He mumbled, sounding much more like a child than he intended.

"We're only 20 minutes from the hotel exit, James." Brooke muttered.

The seventeen year old practically scowled. "I don't _care_. I want to go _home_."

"We're not turning around after that drive." Matthew replied.

"I'll call Kelly, she'll send a car for me." James shrugged with one shoulder.

"This wouldn't even be a problem if your father had just stuck by his word to not handle anything work related while we were here for-"

"Oh, so now this is _my _fault?"

The raised accusatory voices of his parents were quickly proving to give him a raging headache. He thought for a moment that he should be used to it. The fighting between the two adults was far from infrequent. He had been expecting it, even. The attempts to pit blame on one another continued to escalate, James growing exasperated as it progressed into yelling. He thumbed through his contacts on his phone, looking to call Kelly as he had previously suggested. Just as he was about to make the call, he glanced upward toward the bickering adults in the front seat.

"Can you try to keep it down? Making a phone call here." He announced, voice snarky.

"_James_, knock it off." His mother reprimanded.

"I need to knock it off? Really? _I _do?" James's voice grew louder. "I'm the only one in this car right now with a valid enough reason to act like a child and yet it's you two that are doing it."

"Don't be so dramatic." His father scoffed, shaking his head.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" The boy's voice hit an octave and volume he could only correlate with the fights he sometimes had with Kendall, when his tolerance was low and his defenses were high. "I didn't even want to go on this stupid vacation, I knew this was going to be a disaster from the get-go, but _no_, I gave the benefit of the doubt and took the guys' advice to hope for the best. God, things would have just been better if neither of you had come out here to California at all."

Things seemed to move too quickly for him to keep up with after that. One second he was yelling angrily back at the two of them, and the next Brooke was shouting for Matthew to watch out. The oncoming truck seemed to come out of nowhere, speeding along the onramp into their lane. Colliding with the side of the tail end of the car resulted in the small silver civic fishtailing into other oncoming traffic. The harsh collision with the passenger side of the car followed, just before the car rolled side over side over side, halfway down the highway embankment.

James couldn't remember passed the initial passenger side collision.

Everything was black and absolutely silent for what felt like forever. The endless nothingness was eerily calming for a time, like ongoing sleep that not even a dream could puncture a hole in. And then suddenly it was gone. It was only a second, a bright flash of absolutely blinding light. Not even white light, it was red light, like a tail light or a stop light, directly in front of his eyes. It seared at them, then in an instant it was gone once again, as quickly as it had come. An instant later, the red flashed again, this time paired with a high pitched screeching that stabbed at his ears and made him wish he didn't have the ability to hear at all.

Continuous streams of these flashes persisted and with each one came a pain worse than anything James had ever felt in his life. He had had concussions and broken bones in hockey related injuries more times than he could count on one hand, but not one of those injuries felt like this. All of those injuries _combined _didn't feel like this. This hurt in every inch of his body. It hurt in his ears and eyes and head and arms and legs. Everywhere. Literally everywhere, his body was plagued with a sharp and somehow simultaneously burning pain.

He couldn't figure out what he was seeing, if he was seeing anything at all. He couldn't get passed all the red. It was just red _everywhere_. Were his eyes bleeding? Is that what was happening? Where were his mom and dad? Where was he? Why couldn't he _see_?

His hearing came and went, as if one second his head was beneath water and the next it was above it again. There was the painful scrape of metal against metal, then there was nothing. There was the echoing wail of a siren, then there was nothing. Vaguely there were voices, chopping, broken up, frantic voices that were speaking words, but the words weren't registering. It was like he was barely there, not fully conscious, but not fully unconscious, and that in itself was terrifying. The limbo, the hanging by a thread, it was all too real, too scary.

Somewhere in his subconscious, he thought maybe he was having a panic attack, but he didn't seem to have enough consciousness in his senses to know for sure. None of it felt like it could actually be happening, and yet it felt painfully real at the same time. It was too much. He had just dozed off in the backseat and was having a totally whacked out nightmare. He'd wake up any second now and find out that they were going to check in at their hotel in San Diego finally.

Only he didn't open his eyes, awake and in a lavish hotel parking lot. He didn't open his eyes at all. The red he hadn't been able to get away from started to fade, but instead of clearness it was replaced with darkness. Pitch black darkness. And then the pain went, too, and there was nothing. Nothing at all.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N; Ahhhh, so okay, I've been really really intensely into writing this fic, so I don't think I'm even going to apologize for the quick-ish update. I will, however, apologize for the amount of sadness that his chapter brings. Little sad puppy Carlos hurts my heart, but it was a necessity for the story (and I won't lie to you it's only going to get even more emotional from here on out.) As you'll see indicated below, the POV this chapter is Carlos's, and next up is Kendall's chapter, so hopefully that's looked forward to or something. This chapter's also a little on the longer side, but hopefully that's not an issue either.**_

_**Thank you so much to the few of you I've see interest from thus far for this fic, I appreciate it loads!**_

_**Enjoy~**_

_**-Kay.**_

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**Chapter 2**-

(_Carlos_)

As if James leaving for a week wasn't enough "abandonment" for one day, Kendall and Logan had both decided their plans with their girlfriends held more importance than keeping Carlos company. Even Katie had shot down the opportunity to potentially destroy him and his high score record on Zombie Slayer. So what did he do instead? The best thing he could think to do when his friends had better things to do: attempt to beat his own high score. After a variety of self pep talks complete with lucky taps to the hockey helmet on his head and a handful of different button mashing techniques, he was still entirely unsuccessful.

Huffing, the Latino boy tossed the controller down on the couch beside him and flopped facedown on the cushion on his opposite side. God, he was so _bored_. Potentially, he could have gone down to the pool and done a few cannonballs to impress the recent influx of new kids, but oddly enough he didn't feel like showing off at the moment. Groaning, he sat up again and glared intently at the grimy font reading "game over" on the large flat screen TV.

"Oh, I am _so _going to beat you." He declared aloud.

His stomach rumbling audibly cut him short in reaching to pick up the controller again.

"After I have a couple corn dogs." He finished.

He tried to ignore the dinosaur chicken nuggets tucked in the freezer with the corn dogs, frowning as instinct almost led him to turn toward the couch and ask the currently absent brunet if he wanted some. Because if James wasn't off on Diamond family vacation he definitely would have been playing video games with Carlos instead of being like Logan and Kendall and ditching him for girls, _obviously_.

After scarfing down the couple corn dogs he made for himself, Carlos was back to the couch once again, back to his relentless attempts to beat the high score he had created. Several tries went by again before he _finally _managed to beat the score by a mere 43 points. Pumping a fist up in the air with an enthusiastic cheer, he turned to the other couch with his hand held up in the air expectantly. It dropped once again as he frown, realization hitting him for yet another time.

It wasn't that he was _clingy _with James, it was just that James was always _there_. Not to say that Kendall and Logan weren't there for him or didn't hang out with him, but it was different with James. James never had the 'Jo and I have plans' lines. James didn't look at him like he was crazy when he asked imaginative questions like whether or not he could manage a cannonball from the Palm Woods roof. More often than not, James and Carlos were hanging out, and they got each other. The brunet had only been gone for a few hours and the smaller boy was already struggling with his absence.

"Carlos, sweetie, have you seen my-" Mrs. Knight's voice cut off as she came out of her room and found her phone vibrating on the table.

He looked over inquisitively at her, noting the look of question on her face as she looked at the caller ID on her phone screen before picking up finally. Carlos's attention diverted to the video game once again as he scrolled through letters and punched in his name for yet another high score in zombie killing.

"Oh my god."

His attention immediately snapped from the video game on the TV in front of him over to Mrs. Knight, concern filling his dark eyes. The woman brought a hand up to her mouth, her eyes visibly welling up with tears that the boy could notice even from across the room. He hurriedly stood and moved over to her at the table with a frown.

"Mama Knight?" he questioned carefully.

She didn't acknowledge him right away, pulling her hand from her mouth only to nod stiffly as if whoever was on the phone could actually see her do so. A moment later she was rushing to grab her purse and car keys, muttering into the phone how she was 'leaving now and would be there as soon as possible.' As soon as the phone call ended, the woman's tear-filled gaze fell on the teenage boy that was still looking at her worriedly, awaiting some sort of explanation.

"There's been an accident…" she said softly.

His breath caught in his throat momentarily before his brow furrowed further in confusion. Kendall was down at the pool with Jo, Logan was over at Camille's helping her run lines for her most recent audition, Katie was helping Buddha Bob with some cleaning ritual he was doing for the weekend, which only left-

Brown eyes widened as realization dawned on him.

"J-James?"

The subtle nod in response suddenly had him feeling dizzy. James? An accident? James in an accident? He felt nauseous, like he had just gotten off one of those scrambler carnival rides he always felt the need to go on when there was one. He needed to sit down before he fell over, he thought. However, he also needed to know what had happened, what the phone call was about.

"Is he-" An overly breathy laugh full of nervous hysteria escaped the seventeen year old. "I mean, James- he's okay, right?"

Mrs. Knight's jaw trembled as she remained quietly, looking at him sadly.

"Ohhh, I'm gonna throw up."

He bent over the back of one of the chairs at the table, forehead pressing against the cool surface as he attempted to take a couple deep breaths. They ended up being short and quick, doing absolutely nothing to help the sickly turning in his stomach or any of his oncoming panic.

"I have to get to the hospital right away." Mrs. Knight spoke unevenly.

Standing up again, his stinging brown eyes, brimming with tears of his own, landed on the woman.

"I'm coming with you." He started to not, but then a thought occurred to him. "Kendall and Logan.. They don't-"

She shook her head. "No time. I should be gone already as it is. You can either come with me now and we'll call them once we know what's going on or you can stay here for now, but either way I have to leave right now."

There was no time for him to give it any extensive thought. It really only took him a matter of seconds to decide. He wanted to know what was going on, he _needed _to. Kendall and Logan deserved to know, too, and they would, soon enough. But this was _James, _there was no way Carlos would be able to continue to stay at the Palm Woods knowing something was horribly wrong with his best friend. He was going. That was final. With a nod of affirmation, he hurriedly followed Mrs. Knight as they rushed down to the car to get on their way.

Mrs. Knight let him out of the car in the drop off area, leaving him to sprint his way into the Emergency Room waiting area as she went to park. Immediately, Carlos darted passed other people to the receptionist desk, slightly short of breath as he practically leaned over the counter into the woman's face.

"My friend- was in- an accident." He got out between short breathed, his chest feeling tight as the threat of crying persisted. "James Diamond. His name's James Diamond."

"Son, I'm going to need you to calm down." The woman spoke gently and for some reason that frustrated Carlos.

"No, don't tell me to calm down!" He raised his voice. "Where is James? I need to see James."

The receptionist looked far from thrilled while simultaneously like she was no stranger to this sort of situation. She looked over a scrawled on clipboard on her desk before typing what Carlos vaguely recognized was James's name into her desktop computer.

"Mister Diamond was brought in an hour and thirty-seven minutes ago and rushed into immediate emergency surgery, I'm sorry, so, but you can't see him right now." The sandy haired woman explained.

The boy's hands curled into fists at his sides, a slew of random demands and questions lingering on the tip of his tongue, threatening to escape between the teeth he ground tightly together to try to conceal some of the trembling his jaw was doing. Once again, his eyes welled up with moisture, tears he angrily blinked back. He opened his mouth to ask at least one more question, but he was cut off as Mrs. Knight finally joined him at the counter.

"I'm Jennifer Knight, I was the emergency contact for James." She explained.

It only occurred to Carlos then that the fact that Mrs. Knight was contacted at all raised a different series of questions. James had been in the car with his parents, they were there. The lack of mention of them was very slowly starting to sink in. With a faint, barely lingering hope, the boy turned to let his eyes roam over the waiting area. A little girl sat with her mother, cradling what was probably a broken wrist against her chest. A young couple with a wailing baby that through the screaming and crying even Carlos could recognize sounded like he had a cold or something of the like. An elderly looking man with an oxygen machine hooked up to tubes at his nose. There was a variety of people scattered about the generic waiting room setting, but not one of those people was Matthew or Brooke Diamond, waiting for news on their son and the support of extended family.

Very slowly, Carlos turned back toward the two women who were seemingly discussing any of James's known medical information. He kept his voice low, much, much quieter than the frantic yelling that had left him a minute before as he spoke up again.

"Where are his parents?"

The receptionist's eyes flicked sideways to Mrs. Knight, as if to determine whether or not she should actually answer the question in front of the teenager. He felt almost sure that he already knew the answer. It made him start to feel nauseous all over again just thinking about it, he didn't think the confirmation was going to help that at all, but he needed to know for certain.

"Only one patient was brought in from their vehicle." The woman –Kathy, as he finally realized her nametag indicated- answered solemnly.

That seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back. His resolve crumbled in a moment. His tear-brimming eyes fell closed as he barely gave a nod just before turning away from the counter. He breathed in shakily as he walked a little ways away from the reception desk, his hand coming up to run back over his head. He had completely forgotten he had removed the typical helmet from his head, leaving it in Mrs. Knight's car. A tiny, insignificant detail, yet enough to help him understand the seriousness, the absolute severity of the situation. Jaw trembling, a sob broke out from between his teeth, his hand quickly moving from his head to clasp over his mouth.

A hand gently touched his shoulder and as he turned to meet a familiarly teary gaze from Mrs. Knight, he crumpled entirely. In an instant, his head was buried against the woman's shoulder, warm tears soaking into her blouse as her arms moved to wrap around him and hold onto him tightly, comfortingly. She simply let him cry against her for several moments, barely managing to maintain her own composure.

It was all too much. James was in emergency surgery for god only knew what. Brooke and Matthew were both dead. It felt like it shouldn't be real, it was too cinematic. This stuff was only supposed to happen on TV and in movies, it wasn't supposed to be _real_. James wasn't supposed to be in the emergency room. His parents weren't supposed to be just gone from the world in the blink of an eye.

They weren't Carlos's parents, and as involvement went, Brooke and Matthew were probably the least involved in things having to do with all of them out of the rest of their parents, but that didn't change that he somehow felt overly broken up about their being gone, still. James's relationship with his parents had been rocky at best after the divorce, Carlos knew that. He had been one of the constants in James's life at the time, all three of them had been, always making sure he was dealing okay, that he didn't need anything even if it was as simple as a distracting game of street hockey. Despite that period of time, and despite the way that the two adults had always come off as pretty intense and mildly terrifying, they were still James's parents, they still had something to do with each of their lives for a time. And now they were just gone, no coming back, and that was hard to swallow, it hurt. Carlos couldn't even imagine what it was going to do to James once he knew.

They were sitting in the waiting room for what felt like days. Carlos situated in the seat as close to the receptionist's desk as possible, waiting impatiently for news that never came. Mrs. Knight stepped outside to make phone calls at one point, filling in Kelly and Gustavo on what she knew about James so far. When she came back into the waiting room, Carlos didn't even look up from the gray tiled floor when she sat down beside him again.

"Kendall and Logan?" he mumbled.

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Kelly suggested letting her tell them."

Carlos squinted.

"I thought it best not to pick unnecessary arguments right now. There are more important things at hand." She explained tiredly.

The boy caught his trembling lower lip between his teeth as he nodded slowly. Kendall would probably be upset he didn't get the news straight from his mother, but Carlos knew that the news wasn't going to be taken well no matter who it came from. Either way, it wasn't going to be easy for the blond to get to the hospital on a moment's notice, either. The accident happening in San Diego County, James had been rushed to the nearest hospital in the area. LA was a good two to two and a half hours away from San Diego, depending on traffic. For a moment, Carlos wondered if he would be bothering with a trip home from the hospital later on. He wasn't sure he wanted to be that far from where James was. What if something happened while they were all the way back in LA still? No, he would talk to Mrs. Knight and Kelly, find a hotel if he absolutely needed to. Later. He would bring it up later.

For now, though, he had no intention of leaving that hospital. He would sit in that waiting room chair for however long it took until someone came and told him what was going on with his best friend. He just wanted to be able to see him. Carlos knew he wasn't a genius, and by no means a medical professional –the doctor thing was definitely more Logan- but he still wanted to be able to gauge for himself how James was doing. He just needed to hear his voice, everything would be okay then.

James was always good at talking. Whether it was being smooth with girls or sweet talking his way out of having to do something or an uplifting pep talk. Kendall got the vast majority of credit for lectures and pep talks, and he was good at it, but on more than one occasion Carlos could remember the brunet had come to his figurative rescue and brought him words of wisdom –however unconventional they might have been. The Latino was sure that as soon as he heard the other boy's voice, telling him everything was going to be okay, he would feel better, he might believe that.

Mrs. Knight was in and out of the waiting room a few times, having to take phone calls from Gustavo and then Kendall, he imagined, based on the way the woman came back in with fresh tears after one particular call. He thought he probably should have comforted her with at least a hug, if nothing else, but he didn't. He felt stuck sitting stiffly and quietly in his chair. It was so absolutely unlike him. In fact, it was always a sign for his friends to know that something was _really _wrong if Carlos was quiet. He always had some kind of energy to keep moving, always some kind of tangent to create an enthusiastic conversation out of. Now there was none of that. He didn't seem to have it in him. His tired, still-stinging gaze slowly moved sideways beside him, watching as Mrs. Knight sniffled and dabbed at her eyes with a piece of tissue.

"Kendall's on his way here." She said after clearing her throat.

Carlos wordlessly nodded his head.

"Tried to tell him I didn't really want him driving right now, all things considered, but-" Her voice shook with more oncoming tears as she tossed a hand up in a semblance of a shrug. "You know Kendall."

He nodded again, because, yeah, he really did know Kendall. He knew how absolutely stubborn Kendall could be, how once he had his mind made up about something there was no changing it. Beyond that even, Carlos understood the feeling, the inability to not be propelled forward to be there as soon as he could be. Because this was _James_. This wasn't just something that could be brushed to the side and put off until later. Kendall could keep it together for long enough to get there in one piece, Kendall was good at keeping it together, that was why he was the leader. Maybe Carlos would start to feel a little better once his other best friend joined him in his waiting.

It continued to feel like time was dragging on sluggishly –in reality he and Mrs. Knight had been sitting there for two hours before a nurse finally stepped out into the waiting room and quietly announced the last name Diamond. Carlos practically sprinted over to the woman, brown eyes blown wide incredulously. He didn't get to let out any one of his several lingering questions before Mrs. Knight was standing there with him and the nurse half turned toward her to speak.

"An emergency blood transfusion has become a necessity." The woman explained delicately. "Between initial injuries and surgery, he's lost a lot of blood. We have his blood type in our blood bank, but it is protocol to verify transfusions, because of the risks of blood work."

"Risks?" Carlos's voice sounded more like a squeak than an actual voice.

Mrs. Knight nodded in response to the nurse. "Do what you need to. Did- Was the surgery alright?"

Carlos was hyperaware of the careful intake of breath the nurse took before answering the question.

"The patient suffered a splintered fracture of two of his ribs on the right side. There was damage done to lung tissue that had to be treated. That sort of surgery is very complicated, as the chest has to be open-"

Turning away for a moment, Carlos felt like he might vomit. It was bad enough concocting things from an endless list of possibilities that could have happened to James, but the reality? He had the horrifying image of the brunet cut open on an operating table unable to be cleared from his mind now. Mrs. Knight was still nodding and listening along, but Carlos couldn't seem to hear anything passed the hurried echo of his pulse in his ears. He was definitely going to puke, he could feel it. Half stumbling, he found his way outside through the automatic doors.

The contents of his stomach paid an unfriendly revisit into the planter a little ways outside the doors. He winced, wrinkling his nose as he cleared his throat and grossly used the back of his hand to wipe at his mouth, then wiping what little mess he's gotten on his hand on the side of his jeans. Barely managing not to trip over his own two feet, he slumped down in a sitting heap on the cement, back against the brick structure of the planter he had just been doubled over.

"Here."

Carlos jolted at the unfamiliar voice and the half empty bottle of water being held out to him. Eyes following up the length of the arm, he was met with a dark haired woman, probably not a lot older than Mrs. Knight. She was wearing peach colored scrubs and he guessed, based on the purse over her shoulder and the car keys in her other hand, that she had just finished her shift. He hesitated another moment but then, deciding he really did want to rinse the nasty taste out of his mouth, finally took the water from her. Swishing the liquid in his mouth momentarily, he wrinkled his nose again before reluctantly swallowing.

"Anything abnormal? Blood? Extra solidity?" She asked and it took him a moment to realize that she was getting technical about his throwing up.

Instead of speaking, he settled for shaking his head slowly.

"Are you on your way in?"

Again he shook his head. This time she nodded in response, a seemingly knowing 'ah' leaving her mouth.

"Family?" she questioned.

Carlos's voice wavered as he croaked out, "Best friend."

The woman nodded a second time. "Drink some more water."

For a moment, he followed instruction and sipped at what was left of the water in the plastic bottle. As he sat quietly drinking, eyes staring blankly out into space, the overwhelmed feeling began to creep back up on him again. He wasn't about to up-chuck a second time, but as he pulled the water bottle from his mouth he thought he might start crying again.

"Surgeries, they- I mean, when people get surgeries, it's so they _don't _die, right?" he asked, voice sounding faintly frantic.

A vaguely sad smile crossed her face. "That's the idea."

"But-" His lower lip quivered. "But they don't- they don't always work…"

"We have extremely skilled surgeons here, fantastic doctors and nursing staff, too. But sometimes there's only so much that we can do. We do the absolute best that we can, the rest depends on the patient."

The boy nodded his head solemnly. He took a moment to chew thoughtfully at his lower lip before he finished off the last little bit of water in the bottle still. Afterwards he sighed, rubbing at an eye.

"I'm scared." He admitted softly.

With a sigh and a still faintly sad smile, the lady glanced over her shoulder for a moment, as if checking for something, before she moved to sit on the ground beside him. He was admittedly a little surprised by the gesture, but he looked over at her anyway, gaze inquiring.

"It's normal to be scared." She noted.

"Are you supposed to tell me I don't need to be scared?" Carlos mumbled.

"Actually, as a nurse having the knowledge of uncertainty that comes through here all the time, that's the exact opposite of what I'm supposed to do." She replied.

The teenager sighed again and tilted his head back against the brick planter behind him. After a few seconds of quiet thought on his behalf, he glanced sideways at her again.

"I'm Carlos, by the way." He muttered.

"Oh, I know who you are." The woman let out a light laugh. "My ten year old has you and your friends plastered all over her bedroom."

By some miracle, he managed a faint breath of a laugh. He as momentarily grateful for the fact that, despite knowing exactly who he was, she had treated him completely normal, like anyone else in a similar situation. It probably had to do with age, he figured, the lack of being star-struck or over excited. That and the situation at hand, anyway. It was nice, refreshing.

"My name's Melissa." She said finally, her facial expression gradually dropping a moment later. "Your friend, the one who's here, it he one of the other boys from your group?"

Suddenly Carlos felt like crying again as he nodded stiffly and cleared his throat. "James, yeah…"

"I'm sorry." Melissa said quietly.

"It's-" Carlos cut himself off from the automatic response, looking down.

It wasn't okay. It was so far from okay that he couldn't even think of a bad enough word for it. Which, okay, wasn't so shocking because he didn't exactly have the widest vocabulary as it was, but things were still really super _bad_. He hadn't even gotten through everything the nurse lady inside had been telling Mrs. Knight, for all he knew things were even worse than the earful he had actually managed to get before needing to duck outside. Admittedly, it was a lot less stressful feeling outside anyway, hospitals weren't a great place to be.

He remembered once in fourth grade in particular there was a trip to the hospital that he hated. They had been climbing a tree in the Knight's backyard. He and Kendall were climbed up in the tree, attempting to determine whether or not there was enough room for them to build a tree house for all of them up there. Logan was still his shy and quiet faze with them then, having only been living in Minnesota for a year still at the time, but Logan's being quiet didn't stop James from chattering away like everything coming out of his mouth was the most important thing to ever be spoken. Carlos didn't even remember what he had been talking about, just that he wouldn't _stop_.

Kendall had been so frustrated. He kept trying to get James's attention and James only ignored him and continued to talk to Logan. That was what had led the blond nine year old to chuck a pinecone from the tree down at the brunet. James had been far from amused when the thing knocked him on the back of the head. Glowering up at the thrower, he had picked the pinecone up and thrown it back up into the tree.

Of course, as good as James was in their pee wee hockey league, having good throwing aim didn't go along with that. He threw aiming for Kendall, but it was the side of Carlos's head that ended up hit, startling him enough to topple backward off the branch he was sitting on. He didn't fall _out _of the tree, but fumbling backwards into another thick tree branch upside down totally was unkind to his shoulder. The popping sound of the bone had caused them all to wince on impact. He had cried the whole rest of the way out of the tree, James climbing up to help Kendall get him down to the ground as quickly and carefully as they could manage while Logan ran inside to do the smart thing and get an adult.

The x-rays were the worst part of that hospital experience, Carlos thought. He had this irrational fear of looking inside of himself, it was just _weird_. Plus, he had been required to stay a night to make sure that he could sleep okay with the super awkward brace he ended up in. That was the worst experience. Even though he had been in and out of hospitals on behalf of his best friends due to various sporting and other such injuries, that dislocated shoulder experience had been the worst. James had said he was sorry at _least _thirty times. Of course, it was never something Carlos was really mad at him for, he just didn't like the hospital part.

He had thought that was the worst. That being stuck in a stupid brace in a hospital bed for a night after halfway falling out of a tree was as bad as it could get. None of the trips for Kendall's slashing gashes, or James's broken bones, or Logan's- Okay, so Logan was smart enough to know his limits and not injure himself, but he had had pretty awful, hospital-status food poisoning once in the sixth grade and that was a far from fun experience, too. The point was that none of that ever seemed quite as bad as his dislocated shoulder, nothing topped it on the horrible scale.

This did.

He wasn't even the one directly affected this time and it was still a hundred times worse. Because there was so much more than a few stitches or a cast or some pain medication and being sent on their way. James was getting _surgery _and _blood transfusions_. He was still unconscious and not at all making the "I'm so cool, imagine the stories I'll be able to tell about this" jokes that he would in any other instance. There was so much uncertainty now, so much time ticking by just sitting there _waiting. _Carlos wasn't particularly good at being patient even on a good day, this was even worse.

"I just want him to be awake and- and telling me that I'm acting like a girl for worrying so much." He let out a barely there chuckle as his voice shook, his brown eyes brimming with tears again.

"I'm sure you do, sweetpea." Melissa patted his bent knee in a manner that he assumed was meant to be comforting. "For now, what you do is you be strong for him just like he has to be strong for the rest of you."

Clenching his teeth together in an attempt to still the trembling of his jaw, Carlos nodded once. Melissa had to leave after that. He stood up and thanked her for her help a couple times and told her that her daughter was real lucky to have a lady like her for a mom. The woman smiled, thanked him too, and let him know what hours she usually worked in the hospital "just in case."

Once again, he ended up sitting with a very tired looking Mrs. Knight for what felt like an eternity. He told her about what had happened outside and how he had met Melissa, and she filled him in on with little detail to graphic imagery on what was going on with James. They wouldn't know if the surgery was effective entirely until after the blood transfusions were done successfully. All the stitches that had to be done away from the operating spot were done and sterilized. The broken arm he had had to wait to be casted until all operating was finished. Carlos winced his way through the explanation, each tacked on problem making him start to feel sick all over again.

By some strange miracle, he managed to doze off against Mrs. Knight's shoulder for a little while. When he groggily shifted in his chair and blinked his eyes to clear them some, he realized the other tenants in the room had changed again. They had been in the ER for nearing six hours now, he supposed he couldn't expect there not to be different people coming through. As he shifted and woke up a little bit more, Mrs. Knight murmured a quiet 'Kendall's here' that had him practically jolting alert in an instant. His gaze moved toward the receptionist's desk where the blond in question was having a calm conversation with the woman on the other side of the counter. When Kendall turned finally, Carlos stood in a hurry to rush over to him.

"Kendall, he's-"

"I know." The other boy nodded stiffly, his voice sad.

"What do we do, Kendall? What are we supposed to-"

Somehow his being in the presence of his other best friend brought on yet another wave of hysterics. Carlos choked out a few mostly unintelligible syllables before the tears were back. One of Kendall's arms securely encircled the smaller boy's shoulders as he cried into the fabric of the blond's gray t-shirt. Kendall was shushing him delicately in between murmuring quiet reassurances about how it was all going to be okay. It was what Kendall always did, he treated keeping it together and making sure everyone else was alright like it was his job.

Carlos could almost believe him. The level sounding voice saying the reassuring words paired with the firm, almost protective grip around him very nearly had him convinced, but with their torsos pressed so close and tightly together, Carlos could subtly feel Kendall's rapid heartbeat. The hurried tempo that was the telltale sign of his nervousness, his fear. He didn't know if things really would be okay either, none of them _knew _with absolute clarity, and that was exactly what made it all so terrifying.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N; Hello all! Wow, this chapter is insanely long, it just ended up going on and on for a while, lots of emotions and thoughts and things going on. It was a bit of a roller coaster to write, so hopefully you guys make it through the reading of it -tissues recommended! This story wasn't something that I was planning on making go on for too long, in terms of the number of chapters. It was really just going to be a chapter of coping in each of the guys's points of views, and then a final chapter, so that means that relatively soon this story will be done already (probably a good excuse for why the chapters get so long, too, heeyyy). Anyway! Next chapter is in Logan's POV, which I very very subtly prepped for in this chapter, but yes, this one's all Kendall.**_

_**Thank you so, so much to those of you that are reading this and all that. I very much appreciate it, as always. S/O to best friend Kacie again for putting up with emotional tidbits in the writing process, and also another one to Kayleigh (WOWcow) for being awesome and always appreciative of my stories here.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 3**-

(_Kendall_)

The last time Kendall could remember three days feeling as long as these past three had was when he was six years old. It was winter time, right around Christmas. He had been eyeing the brightly papered gifts under the Christmas tree all week long, but his mother would continue to point at the countdown calendar they had on the wall, reminding him how much longer he still had to wait. At the time, it had felt like the longest wait of his life. Three days felt a lot more like three weeks for an excitedly anxious six year old –especially when best friend James was allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve and he never stopped bragging about it.

Even if it were just so he could talk about something petty, Kendall would have given anything to hear James's voice now. A whole three days had gone by since the initial accident. The first night had been hard, getting all the information about the stitches and the surgery and the necessary casting, not to mention the news about James's parents. It had all been really hard to get a grip on, but having Carlos there that night served as a good enough reason for him to actively work to keep a strong face on.

When James didn't wake up the next day, it was harder. The word "comatose" started being used and machine checks became a lot more frequent, and this caused a whole new wave of distress. Kendall had to practically force a sobbing and distraught Carlos to go get some exceedingly needed sleep at the hotel room Kelly had booked for them in the area. A little hypocritical of him, he knew, given that since the initial first night, he had yet to set time aside for sleep, barely dozing off for few minute intervals in the chair in the corner of James's room.

Day three, Katie had somehow managed to convince Gustavo to make the drive down to bring her to the hospital. If he were honest, Kendall didn't want her there. Not that she didn't deserve to be, she was just as affected by what happened to James as the rest of them, but he admittedly had been attempting to shield his baby sister from the horrible reality of the situation. But she had come anyway, and for the first time in years, she had sat on Kendall's lap and cried. It killed him, too, because Katie didn't cry. Katie was tougher than all of them combined, but the moment she had stepped into that hospital room, there were tears. He had let her sit there on his lap, bawling against his chest for a good twenty minutes. Things were really, _really _bad if they could make Katie cry like that.

Not that he could blame her. No, he definitely couldn't blame the younger girl at all for crying. As it was, Kendall almost constantly kept someone else around him –whether it was his mom or Carlos or Kelly or Jo- so that he could avoid crying himself. If someone else was around, it was motivation to be the level head, to remain calm and be strong for everyone else. It had never been this hard for him before.

There had been about ten minutes; not exactly a lengthy period of time, but still much longer than Kendall had found himself liking, that he had been left alone in James's room. Jo had gone to grab them both some more coffee from the hospital café and it had just been him, the monotonous beeping of a heart monitor, and his seemingly lifeless best friend. That was when it had really hit him, how absolutely fucking torn apart he felt.

He had been looking at James, his green eyes roaming over the bright red cast encasing a muscled arm, the other arm with an IV needle in it and a pulse monitoring device attached to a thin finger, the overly noticeable line of still-healing stitches over a brown eyebrow dragging all the way down to a high cheekbone, the deep and dark purple bruising along a prominent jaw line. He had been glad that James's torso was covered by one of the hospital gowns and that the lower half of his body was covered by bed sheets tucked around him, because the blond didn't want to see anymore damage, didn't think he could handle it. What was already visible was terrible enough. James was completely wrecked, and it fucking destroyed Kendall inside.

He had wanted, overwhelmingly, to yell, to just start screaming. Some part of him had thought that maybe the loud noise would be enough to wake the brunet up. But he didn't yell, and he didn't say any of the thousands of things circulating in his head to his silent best friend. He didn't even cry, despite the relentless stinging that he hurriedly blinked away. When Jo had come back with their coffee, it had almost been instantaneous, the easy slip back into pretending he was fine, that he was dealing with the situation alright and that he was strong enough to get through it for all of their sakes. He probably should have considered a career in acting.

"Kendall?" The soft sound of his girlfriend's voice caused him to blink slowly a couple times before glancing toward her at the door.

He had been staring out into space, green eyes locked somewhere near where Katie was bent over the side of James's bed. Her head was resting on the mattress near the brunet's hand, the one that wasn't strapped over his chest in a cast, and she was fast asleep. Probably something Kendall should have been, too, given that he hadn't slept properly in a few days now. Jo closed the hospital room door quietly behind her and moved over to him.

At first he had felt almost selfish somehow in making sure the blonde girl was there with him, thinking that maybe it was wrong to be so concerned with having his girlfriend there when the situation seemed to call for strictly "family." However, it hadn't taken him long to change his mind on the matter and actually be thankful she was there. Jo kept him some level of grounded. She was affected by what happened to James, of course, but not to the over devastated degree that his mom and Katie and Carlos were. Having her there balanced him at least a little, gave him even more reason to work to keep it together.

"Have you slept at all?" she asked quietly.

There was always the tiniest hint of hope in her tone of voice, despite the number of times that she continued to get the same answer. Kendall shook his head wordlessly.

"How many cups of coffee have you had already this morning?"

He held up the almost empty Styrofoam cup in one of his hands in indication. "Four."

"Kendall…" her voice turned sad, subtly reprimanding even. "You need to sleep."

"Can't." he muttered shortly.

It wasn't entirely true. If he had actually bothered to leave the hospital and go back to the hotel, he probably would have been asleep the second his head hit the pillow. It wasn't that he didn't feel tired, because he was actually beyond exhausted, but he felt like he couldn't leave, like he had to be there. His responsibility was to stay there with James, to be there for when there was any change and to make sure nothing else happened to his best friend. So no, he couldn't sleep, because if he left back to the hotel or even so much as closed his eyes for just a little too long while dozing in the chair in the corner of the room and something ended up happening with James during that period of time, he'd never forgive himself.

Jo sighed next to him, her gaze moving to Katie's sleeping form. "Has she been here all night, too?"

Kendall nodded. "Didn't wanna leave when I told her she should, and I didn't really have it in me to fight with her on it. She wants to make sure he's alright, too."

The blonde girl nodded in understanding before pressing her lips together. Kendall quickly finished off what little bit of coffee he had left before throwing the cup away and moving to sit in what had become his normal chair. He reached for his girlfriend's hand and carefully pulled her over to sit in his lap, his forehead tiredly leaning against the side of her shoulder.

"I overheard Kelly and Gustavo on a conference call with Griffin at the hotel earlier this morning." Jo spoke lowly.

"Hm. Great." The blond boy mumbled.

"There was something about a cancellation announcement for the tour, and letting everybody publicly know about James."

"Griffin's gonna make the announcements?"

"It sounded like he wanted you guys to do it."

Kendall sighed heavily and leaned off of her to slump back in his chair. His teeth worked at his lower lip as he thought about it, him and the two other guys having to record a quick video announcement to let fans and everyone in on the simple version of what had happened with James, and the fact that tour was cancelled now. He thought that he could probably handle it, he was typically pretty good at remaining professional when necessary. Carlos would be more difficult. He was barely keeping it together. Kendall wasn't sure he would get through a recorded announcement like that without having to duck out half way through to start crying once again. Then there was Logan…

A frown creased Kendall's brow as he shifted beneath the girl on his lap. "Anything from Camille this morning?"

He noticed the subtle downward curl of Jo's lips before she answered the question.

"Nothing new to report, no." she answered softly. "Last I heard anything was yesterday when she tried to get him to talk about it again."

Swallowing thickly, he let his head slump back against the wall behind his chair. Logan was a problem. Kendall hated thinking of him that way, but it had become the painful truth. While Carlos was barely keeping it together for more than an hour or so, and while Kendall himself was putting on a pretty excellent display of false strength, Logan just.. wasn't reacting. Kendall didn't know whether to call it denial or not. His mother tried to explain that it was probably Logan's method of coping, but he just didn't _get _it. How was acting like none of it was real, avoiding the whole situation and pretending everything was normal –all very much not coping- considered a coping method? Logan was being closed off and incredibly stubborn. He hadn't made the trip down to the hospital once and any of the several times that hints had been dropped for him to do so, he dodged it, brushed the whole thing under the rug.

It was so damn _frustrating_. As increasingly difficult it was becoming to deal with Carlos's seemingly never ending state of emotional distress, he would have taken crying, anything that wasn't Logan continuing to act like what was going on wasn't real at all. He had to acknowledge it at some point, didn't he?

"This is so hard." Kendall mumbled tiredly, thinking aloud.

While it was mostly said on behalf of his frustration with what was going on with Logan specifically, it felt ironically all encompassing for the entire situation. Logan's lack of reaction was hard. Carlos's continuous emotional state was hard. Keeping up a strong façade for the sake of his mom and his sister and his best friends was hard. Seeing James in the state he was in, knowing that despite any and all hope that he would wake up and eventually get to be fine again that there was still the smallest of chances he wasn't actually going to wake up, that was hard. All of it was so damn difficult, it was making Kendall crazy.

"I'm sorry…" Jo sighed, laying her head against his shoulder.

Pursing his lips in momentary thought, Kendall leaned his head forward again, gently touching his temple to his girlfriend's. "Do you think I should do it? The video announcements, I mean."

"Right now, I think you need to sleep." She replied with another sigh. "Are you going to be okay telling people about everything?"

"I've managed this far along now, haven't I?"

"I don't know that I'd call living off of hospital coffee and granola bars, then not sleeping at all on top of it _managing_, but…"

"Does that mean you don't think I should do it then?"

The blonde sat up from leaning against him, her eyes moving to meet his as she turned to look at him. Jo's eyes took a few seconds to roam over his face. Kendall could only imagine how rough he looked. Going on three days of no sleep, having not taken the time to shave at all over those few days, too, it left bags he could practically feel beneath his green eyes and a prickly stubble along his jaw. He didn't look put together, to say the least. Jo took another moment, seeming to search his face for something he couldn't quite figure out before she rested a hand against his jaw.

"I think you need to think about _you _right now. What you're okay with, not what other people are expecting you to be okay with."

Kendall purposely averted his eyes from hers to his unconscious best friend on the hospital bed, his lips pressing together in a tight line.

"You can't sit here in this corner pretending to be strong forever, Kendall. It's alright for you to not be okay."

A bitter retort of 'Logan's doing it' lingered on the tip of his tongue, but he held it back, breathing in deeply through his nose. After a moment of continuing to keep his eyes on James's still form, then Katie resting beside him, he looked at Jo once again. He chewed at his lip before finally giving a subtle nod.

"I know that, and I _am _fine." He eyed her pointedly for a moment. "I'll, um, I'll get some sleep first, before the announcement." He nodded hesitantly.

Jo squinted at him wearily. He held his hands up in mock surrender in response.

"I promise. I'll let Kelly and Gustavo know, and I'll get some sleep." Green eyes flicked over toward the hospital bed again, the blond frowning a little. "Just- I'll have to make sure my mom stays here."

As it turned out, not at all surprisingly, his mom was even more concerned than his girlfriend about his lack of sleeping. So when he had explained to the woman a general plan that he had, but that he really needed the reassurance that she would stay with James as he had been, she almost instantly agreed. She promised she would stay with the brunet and keep an eye out for any changes, which admittedly was the biggest and top priority for Kendall. He needed to make sure James was being properly looked after. Even if there was no change, at least someone would be there still, just in case.

Gustavo was pleasantly surprised to find out that the blond was willing to do the video announcement. Kelly had asked him at least nine times if he was sure he was okay with it and he reassured her each time. It couldn't really be that difficult. Apparently Griffin wanted the recording to take place at Rocque Records so he could oversee it, and the prospect of driving back to LA, that far away from the hospital, almost put Kendall off to the idea. However, he reminded himself he had already given his word and that he trusted his mom –and most likely Carlos, too- to stay there with James for the day or so he was unfortunately gone. Plus, going back to LA meant going back to the Palm Woods and being able to check in on Logan for himself.

Sleep ended up coming unsurprisingly easy for him. He had pushed aside his exhaustion with the help of stubbornness and caffeine, but the moment he let himself fall on that hotel room bed and shut his eyes it had overcome him and he had fallen asleep almost instantly. Waking up the next day was the more difficult part. Kelly let him sleep in until 11 before finally coming in to delicately wake him up. He groaned and rolled over only to jolt upright a minute later when memory caught up with him. _James_. He looked at Kelly with a questioning hopefulness, but it was returned with a vaguely sad smile and subtle shake of her head. Nothing had changed yet.

The drive back up to LA with Jo was quiet and long. Somehow Kendall felt even more tired after he _had _gotten some sleep than before it. He yawned his way through most of the afternoon, getting snapped at by an entirely unnecessary makeup crew for yawning as they worked to make him "camera ready" as Griffin had called it upon his getting to Rocque Records.

It all felt incredibly over the top. Kendall would have been satisfied enough taking a laptop web cam, plopping down on a couch, and giving the news with an apology. Simple and right to the point. Yet Griffin was set on all kinds of tedious formalities. It felt like he was really turning it into a show, and Kendall hated it. Everything going on was too serious, too tragic to be turned into a spectacle because some company executive who had almost ruined them on more than one occasion wanted some extra media attention. But Kendall bit his tongue and did what was asked of him this once, because fighting any of it felt so pointless. He didn't have it in him, not when he was so overwhelmingly worried about James.

He checked his phone at least half a dozen times as he sat in a chair in the lobby outside of Gustavo's office. Every now and again his eyes would focus on the dark gray back drop Griffin's people had set up, just before hurriedly flicking back toward the nothingness his phone held for him. The blond's knees bounced anxiously as he chewed at his lip and attempted to rehearse some sort of internal script. Nothing he was thinking seemed like a good enough way to word things. Fans out there were going to count on this news, they cared about James, too, they had some sort of distant right to know what happened. How was he supposed to cushion the blow, though, make it easier for everyone? _Could _he make it any easier when things were this bad?

"Kendall, you ready?" Gustavo asked, pulling him from his reverie.

Green eyes flicked toward where his girlfriend was sitting in the chair opposite him, Jo being there for quiet moral support again. She gave him a meek attempt at a reassuring smile and nod just before he took an uneven breath, glanced quickly at his phone one more time, and stood up. He did what he was good at, putting on a strong face, a very faint polite smile touching his features as he moved to stand in front of the back drop and camera. The green light giving him the go ahead suddenly felt intimidating.

"Hey guys, Kendall here. I've got some- some news-" he paused, frowning and giving a dismissive wave of his hand toward the camera.

He watched the green light shut off in his peripheral vision as he cleared his throat and took a couple deep breaths. Jo stood up from where she was sat and he glanced sideways to see her move to stand with Kelly and Gustavo just behind the cameraman. Looking at her, Kendall could practically read his own nauseating hesitation in the blonde girl's eyes. It seemed almost like she was silently telling him it was okay, that he didn't have to do this. How it possibly could be okay, he had no idea. Taking another careful deep breath, he turned to face forward again, eyes locking on the camera as he nodded. The green light turned on again.

"Hey everybody, Kendall here. I'm sure everyone's wondering about the upcoming tour, and unfortunately I've got-" His hurried voice slowed noticeably just before he cut off. "There's some news that- Something's happened that-"

The steady gaze he had been holding with the camera lens started to falter, his green eyes stinging, quickly pricking with tears. He cleared his throat again and blinked his eyes furiously. He couldn't cry, not here, not now. This was easy; stand in front of a camera and talk, get the message out. How many times had he and the guys had to do this before?

The guys… Carlos who was falling apart. Logan who was in denial. James who was-

No, no, no, he needed to _focus_. His eyes wouldn't stop stinging and his chest suddenly started to feel tight. Clearing his throat yet again, Kendall grit his teeth and eyed the camera.

"Kendall he- Hi, it's- I'm-" he huffed out shortly, his lower lip quivering slightly before he caught it tightly between his teeth.

_Get it together, Knight_.

He could do this. He _had _to do this. If not for everyone else who needed to know, then for James who deserved his story being told. It was hard to talk about it, hard to rehash for people, for a camera. How was he supposed to keep up a calm and level façade as he had been when he was telling people his best friend might be dying? That he might never get him back? He felt like screaming again. His quickly welling eyes locked on the camera and he opened his mouth to attempt to tackle what needed to be said for another time, but nothing came out. Jo edged forward, frowning.

"Turn the camera off. He can't do this right now, you need to turn it off."

Jaw trembling more noticeably now, Kendall shook his head, not in denial, more in some sort of shame. He should have been able to do this. He had kept it together for this long, why was now the breaking point? The green light on the camera turned off and he let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.

"I- I have to-" He shook his head again and began moving away from the set up, shouldering passed Kelly who reached out for him and half jogging his way down the hallway.

Tears were coming on quick and he wasn't going to cry in front of all of them, he couldn't. The dance studio door was slammed and locked quickly behind him, back pressing against it as his stinging damp eyes squeezed closed. His light haired head remained tilted back against the door as he attempted to get a handle on himself, taking a couple of slow, deep breaths. They barely helped at all.

Kendall's glassy eyes fluttered open once again and he moved away from the locked door. He purposefully avoided meeting the sad gaze of his reflection as he walked toward the wall of studio mirrors. His long fingers took a moment to drag gently over the wooden balance bar that ran along the mirror, his teeth working at the inside of his lower lip as his mind wandered.

He could remember so many times spent in this dance studio. There was when they had first arrived in LA and had to undergo their "boy band boot camp" and had been absolutely _awful _with their dancing. There were a ton of times, between learning music video dance routines and tour choreography rehearsals, where all four of them had spent hours day after day after day practicing, nailing down steps. James was always so intense about dance practice. Kendall had never quite figured out why, given that nine times out of ten James had the routine down perfectly days before the rest of them got it. He always pushed himself so hard, really dedicated himself to every step, every sashay of his hips, every roll of his body. The blond for a long time had envied the positively fluid way that James was able to move. For most of his young life he had thought it was something so effortless and natural for his best friend. It wasn't until they got to California, got started with Big Time Rush, that Kendall really saw the difficulty James had, how hard he really was on himself.

James was a perfectionist, anyone who knew him for very long could pick up on that easily. Kendall had been there all his life, growing up, watching as James grew to be harder and harder on himself as they got older. At first it was in his athleticism, in staying fit and exercising. The brunet had trained so hard, worked as hard as he possibly could during their first season of hockey on the high school team, wanting to be team captain. Kendall had beaten him out for it. The next thing James tackled with such ferocity, with such a passion, was music. He wanted to be a pop star, and even as a freshman Kendall thought James could do it –that if anyone was good enough and passionate and dedicated enough, it was James. Yet, Gustavo wanted to turn Kendall into the next big thing. James wanted Jo, Kendall dated her. James tried to win over Lucy, Lucy liked Kendall. And Kendall just didn't _get it_.

James was good looking and talented and driven. James pushed himself far beyond boundaries, drove himself with such intense force. He worked so hard, and Kendall paled in comparison, he felt. Half of the things that the blond won over the other boy, he didn't understand entirely how it happened at all. He stepped up to the plate, particularly in playing some sort of leader for him and his three best friends, but he didn't always grasp why it was him they had chosen to look up to. Despite the fact that he was, Kendall had more looked up to James than understood why it was himself that was so admired.

The occasions were seemingly rare when Kendall allowed composure to fall, when he let it show how much he really needed someone to guide him, to give him a pep talk or some piece of advice instead of him being the one to give it. They were fewer than frequent, but regardless of the number, James was there for him. For all the bickering and falsely constructed rivalry, James never actually let Kendall down. When Kendall's dad left without a word when he was eleven, James was there to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, that his dad was stupid to leave him and Katie and his mom. For nearly a month after that, James was noticeably nicer to him, didn't pick fights, would come over without question. He'd worked to comfort and distract, and it was one of a handful of instances that made Kendall scoff and grow defensive anytime someone had the nerve to say James only ever cared about himself. James could be conceited, a little bit self-obsessed, but he was _not _uncaring toward others. James cared more than a lot of people claimed to.

What if he never got that back? What if that amazing best friend who had been there through every up and down in his life was just gone? The idea alone made Kendall's chest feel tight, his throat feeling as if it were squeezing around the lump lodged there. He finally stopped blinking back the increased moisture pooling in his eyes and let the wet warmth roll down his cheeks. He slumped down to the hard wood floor, his forehead leaning against the cool glass of the mirror as he shut his eyes, tears still seeping out. A quiet sob broke free from between his lips, racking his body with a faint tremor. God, he had been wanting to cry for days. How he had held it all back for as long as he had thus far was beyond him. Instead of holding back anymore, he allowed himself to cry. No one was there to see it, and he was just so _scared_, so absolutely terrified, all he felt he really could do about it was cry. His emotions were the only part of the whole situation that he had any sort of control over.

He turned to sit properly, back against the glass, and he cried. He cried until his eyes were tired and sore, until the collar of his t-shirt was damp from the tears it had caught, until he gave himself a headache. He felt his previous heavy exhaustion falling upon him again and somewhere in the back of his mind he thought he would have to go back to the Palm Woods and get some sleep again before going back to the hospital. After a few minutes, he wasn't sure he had much more energy for crying in him, let alone tears to do so. His head throbbed and his eyes and throat felt sore, but instead of getting up to go get a drink and splash some water on his face, he stayed rooted on the floor, staring tiredly out into empty air. The overwhelming exhaustion consuming him now served as a reminder of why he hated crying as much as he did.

Finally showing some other sense of movement, Kendall fished into his tight jeans' pocket for his cell phone. He unsteadily tapped out an 'Anything?' text to Katie and Carlos, knowing they both would still be at the hospital along with his mom. He knew that the lack of any update on their behalf no doubt meant that there was no change, but he was desperately clinging to hope at this point. Instead of getting a text back, his phone buzzed in his hand with the notification of a phone call. He hurriedly fumbled to answer, some part of him thinking that if it was a phone call instead of a text that whatever needed to be said was important, possibly good news.

"Hello?" he answered quickly.

"He's still not up yet, Kendall." The sad sound of his little sister's voice rang through the ear piece, causing his shoulders to slump once again. "One of the nurses came in to change the IV bag because another one emptied and Carlos started crying again and so Mom's off with him somewhere, I don't know. I shouldn't be on my phone in the hospital room, but it's creepy in here by myself."

"You should go up to the cafeteria, get something to eat, or at least some water, Katie." He murmured.

"I'm not hungry." She sighed, and Kendall could hear how tired it sounded even through the phone.

They all sounded like that now, so physically and emotionally drained all the time. This whole situation was taking its toll on each of them. Staying quiet a few seconds, Kendall thoughtfully chewed at his lip as his irritated eyes trained on the smooth dance floor surface.

"I was eavesdropping on a couple of the nurses and the doctor earlier and they sounded really pessimistic. I don't like them."

Kendall frowned. "What were they saying?"

"They were talking about James, and how it doesn't look like anything's changing, how he's just- he's stuck, they said." The sixteen year old girl's voice wavered the tiniest bit and for a moment Kendall thought he might start crying again. "One of the nurses was saying 'give them a week before you ask what they want to do.' What does that- What are they gonna ask, Kendall? If we want to pull the plug, or whatever? That's what they meant, right? I've seen them say that on TV, that's what it means, doesn't it?"

Katie's voice was becoming increasingly uneven, and he could practically envision the way that she had her one arm tightly crossed over her chest, the other clutching tightly to the phone at her ear as her jaw trembled and her eyes welled up. The two of them were a lot alike in that right, working through the onslaught of emotions, trying their damndest not to cry, no matter how hard it was proving to be. He stretched his legs out in front of him on the floor, bloodshot green eyes honing in on the toes of his Converse. He didn't know what to tell her. Lying to her wouldn't do him any good, because Katie was way too smart to fall for that. Telling her that that was exactly what they had meant, though? That was so far from reassuring. With a sigh, Kendall brought his free hand up and ran it down his face.

"Look, Katie, we're not gonna let that happen, alright? This is- It's James, we're not pull- We're not letting that happen." He paused to clear his throat, a lump forming there once again. "I'll be there again in a couple hours, okay? Just hang tight. It's gonna be alright, baby sister."

"How can you be so sure?"

Kendall pressed his lips together in a tight line and took a careful deep breath in through his nose. He really didn't have a proper answer to that question.

After getting off the phone with Katie and confirming with Gustavo and Griffin that he wasn't going to be able to do the video announcement after all –much to Griffin's irritating dismay- Kendall went back to the Palm Woods. It was about three in the afternoon by then, so his plan was just to go in, check in on Logan pretty quick, snag an hour or two's nap, and then drive back down to the hospital. Going back to the Palm Woods was a whole other level of stress, though. It didn't feel like simply going home now like it used to on long days. Nobody was there except for Logan right now, and the fact that the blond knew the reason that no one else was there made it harder to swallow why Logan was there at all. However, he didn't have it in him to pick any fights when he got up to apartment 2J. He flopped lazily down onto the colorful couch in the empty living room and shut his eyes. Even as he heard the sound of a bedroom door opening, he kept his eyes closed.

For a few seconds, he thought that Logan might actually believe he was asleep, or at least be content with pretending as such so he could avoid talking to him. However, after a few moments of quiet had passed, Kendall heard the soft sound of Logan clearing his throat from the kitchen counter. He peeked one eye open to see the dark haired boy seated there, seemingly doing whatever work was in front of him. A part of Logan's 'pretend everything is just fine' façade was him immersing himself in the summer college course work he had been so interested in prior to graduation. Kendall assumed it was a method of providing distraction, and a very Logan way of doing so at that, but it was different at the same time. It wasn't just a simple distraction after a long day. Logan was burying himself in any possible other thing he could, hiding behind text books and essays and star charts for astronomy so he didn't have to think about what the rest of them couldn't seem to stop thinking about.

Shutting his eyes again, the blond breathed out a sigh before speaking quietly. "You doing okay?" he asked.

Logan seemed to hesitate in answering, but even when he finally did, Kendall could tell he hadn't bothered to turn on the stool to face him before speaking. "Fine, why?"

A bitter retort lingered on the tip of the blond's tongue, but his lack of energy helped him to bite it back, a sigh leaving him instead. Shaking his head slowly, he frowned with his eyes still shut before mumbling a dejected 'no reason.' When in reality there were more reasons than he cared to think about.

He managed to get a solid hour and a half of sleep before the buzzing of his cell phone on the coffee table woke him. Jolting upright almost instantly, he brought the phone to his ear, a groggy reply leaving him as he answered. It was Carlos, but he was only calling to see when Kendall was going to be back on his way to the hospital. There still wasn't anything new to tell. After making himself eat something for what he was pretty sure was the first time all day, Kendall hesitated leaving the apartment, loitering outside the closed bedroom door that served as Logan and James's bedroom. For a fleeting moment, it occurred to Kendall to wonder how Logan was so okay with staying in there all the time, surrounded by James, but not with him, but the thought didn't linger long. Nor did he, standing there. He didn't knock on the door to try to get the other boy to come out and leave with him, because he knew it would only be frustrating, and despite sleeping off the crying he had done, he was still too tired. With a halfway reluctant sigh, he left the Palm Woods and set off on his way back to the hospital.

There was some semblance of a 'family' dinner in the hospital cafeteria between him, his mom, Katie, and Carlos once he arrived. It was quiet, idle chit chat here and there. None of them asked him how the video recording went. He assumed that it was either because his eyes still looked a little puffy or because Kelly or Gustavo had already informed them of the situation. Admittedly, he was thankful he didn't have to do any explaining. He didn't want to have to rehash an emotional breakdown, after all.

Katie and his mom were heading back to LA for the night to get some laundry done at home and sleep in their own beds for a night or two, leaving him and Carlos staying in the area at the hotel. Kelly ended up coming down to join them which Kendall assumed was at his mom's request. Carlos was still seventeen, and he was barely eighteen, they didn't exactly qualify as adults, so of course she would seek out supervision for them. Not to mention the fact that she probably didn't want them on their own, just the two of them, with current circumstances being as they were.

Carlos went back to the hotel first. There was only about a half an hour before a nurse was going to come in and tell them that visiting hours were over for the day and Kendall would have to fill in yet another nurse on the fact that he was listed as family and could stay overnight. They always looked at him weird for it, like they didn't understand why he wanted to stay there overnight when he had a perfectly good bed somewhere else he could actually be getting sleep in, but he just chalked it up to them not getting it. Carlos needed sleep and he was complaining about the chairs being uncomfortable, but before he had left he had promised his phone would be on the loudest available ringer he could set it to, just in case. Kendall had simply nodded and told him to get some rest. He no doubt could have done with some more rest himself, but instead he stayed in the hospital room.

He didn't sit in his usual chair in the corner this time, stealing up the available spot beside the brunet's bed now that no one else was in the room to reside there. His lower lip was caught tightly between his teeth as his green eyes roamed over James's still form. Brow furrowing momentarily, he realized –weirdly, probably, because who paid that much attention to James's hair other than James?- that the nurses had combed the brunet's hair weirdly, combing it back in a weird sweep in a way that James probably would have had a fit over if he'd seen it. Almost unconsciously, his hand lifted from his side, moving to gently fix the brown locks. He could practically hear James hissing at him not to touch his hair as he did so. His eyes started stinging just thinking about it. Situating back in his chair again, Kendall let a barely there sad smile touch his features as his eyes remained on his unconscious best friend.

There had been more than a few movies or TV shows where friends of coma patients sat at their bedside and talked to the sleeping patient. He had always thought it was a little bit of a weird concept. The person was so far unconscious they couldn't wake themselves up, surely that meant they couldn't hear whoever happened to be talking to them, too, right? He supposed it had to do with a sense of faith, comfort in thinking that their words might get through, might make a difference. That tiny lingering hope was probably what propelled him into doing so.

"You know, all those times I joked about knocking you out, I didn't think I'd actually end up finding I don't like how quiet it is with you unconscious." He murmured, a soft breath of a laugh escaping him.

Maybe that was a horrible way to start. He probably should have started with something more caring, nicer. Then again was there really a _proper _way to go about having a one-sided conversation with his comatose best friend? He was thinking too much, he realized. It was starting to give him a headache.

"I could ask you to like.. I dunno, move a finger if you hear me or something, but- but I can pretty much already hear you already telling me not to be such a girl, so for your sake I'll refrain."

Despite mentioning it and not expecting any sort of reaction from it, his green eyes flicked down toward the brunet's hand for just a second, on the extreme off chance that there was any movement. He let out a deep breath in a heavy sigh, pursing his lips as his gaze roamed over James's face again. He actually looked so peaceful all the time, just laying there, not having to hear or see or deal with any of what was going on around him. Like this he didn't have to feel any of the pain that Kendall couldn't even imagine was going to end up taking over his body once he was awake. Healing from everything was going to take a long time, and it wasn't going to be without a struggle. Sleeping, there was no struggle for him, there was just the easiness of not being present, not knowing. James didn't know anything. He didn't know the kind of damage he suffered, he didn't know that his parents were gone forever, he didn't know how worried and distraught everyone was because they wanted him to come back.

For a brief moment Kendall thought that maybe that was better. If James didn't have to suffer, wouldn't that be good? Wouldn't it be better to let him go gently than try to force him into painfully coming back from all of this? What if he never did? There were horror stories left and right about people who were in a coma who woke up a completely different person, sometimes they didn't even remember who they were, or who the people around them were. What if James woke up, and on top of everything that had already happened to him, he didn't even remember any of them? Didn't even remember that he was James Diamond, pop sensation and best friend?

Kendall wanted to cry again. He wanted to let the tears out, let the tightness of his throat loosen up as he poured out pleads for James to come back to them, to be okay, but he couldn't do it. The longer he looked down at his fragile best friend, the heavier the sinking realization became. A soft, hysterical whisper of a laugh left the blond as his stinging eyes averted downward toward the cast laid over James's chest instead of lingering on his face.

"I keep- I keep trying to.. I dunno, hold onto hope and pray that everything's gonna be alright. That's what I keep telling everybody else, that everything's going to be fine. Carlos and Katie, they need it, you know? They need to hear that reassurance from me, because I'm the one trying to stay level here while everything's crumbling, but I just- I don't even know how I'm doing it, James, because I'm scared. No, I'm fucking terrified." He shook his head slowly, a hand running down over his face as he cleared his throat.

He was suddenly very aware of the racing pulse in his veins, the way that the rapid pace was hammering against his ribcage. Beyond that, there was a tightness in his chest, one of the few telltale signs that waterworks were well on their way, and he needed to get what he was trying to say out before that happened. Taking in a shallow breath, Kendall grazed his teeth over his lower lip before continuing.

"I think I'm trying to reassure myself as much as I'm trying to reassure other people, because I- I literally can't even imagine what my life would be like without you in it. I haven't even allowed myself to start thinking like that, because I don't want to have to imagine it. You've been there since.. God, since the very beginning. I've known you all my life, and I'm just- I'm just supposed to let go of you now? I can't- James, you can't expect me to-"

Voice cutting off abruptly, his teary green eyes flicked up to James's face, his lower lip catching between his teeth. Again, he thought about what would happen when James did wake up –he refused to think _if _even now. How was he going to feel? James was always so much better at handling things when they weren't his own problems. His own problems, however small they may have seemed, were harder for him to tackle. None of the recuperation after this accident was going to be easy, Kendall knew that. Aside from the physical healing process, James was going to have to come to terms with the fact that he was an orphan now. An _orphan_. Kendall nearly shuddered at the thought.

Sure, James had all of them there to take him in and be his family –which the blond knew would happen in a heartbeat, no question- but it was still different. He was never going to get to hear his mom tell him how to fix his hair again. He was never going to have a conversation with his dad about business that he pretended to understand. He was never going to get to hug either of them again or thank them for birthday cards or video chat them to catch them up on what had been going on in the life of James. That was just gone. His family who had brought him up and been there all along –dysfunctional as they sometimes seemed- was gone. No easy fix for that, no fix at all for that.

It made Kendall think about his mom and Katie. If he were in the same situation as James was, and his mom and Katie were gone forever, would he really want to come back to that? Maybe it was a little different because of the involvement of his mom and Katie in his life in comparison to Brooke and Matthew in their son's, but the fact still stood. No, no he wouldn't want to come back and try to live normally in a world where his family wasn't there anymore. James, Logan, and Carlos may have filled a little bit of the void, may have made him feel better to some degree on some days, but not a single day would go by where he wouldn't spend questioning why his family had been killed, but he hadn't. With a jolt, it occurred to him just how much he didn't want that for James.

More than anything in the world right then, all he wanted was his best friend back. He wanted to hear James's voice, joking and bickering with him. He wanted to hear the laugh, see the smile, the mischievous look that rarely left the brunet's hazel eyes for more than a few seconds. He wanted to see _life_. But if it came at the price of losing core characteristics that made James who he was in the first place, if who came out of this wasn't the boy he had spent all his life with but instead someone who couldn't deal and who hated how empty he felt after everything that had happened, maybe he didn't want that after all. Kendall took a slow, shaky deep breath and let his eyes fall closed for a second.

"I'm being selfish." He whispered. "Because I don't think I can do it. I don't think I _want _to live in a world that you're not a part of. I can't even picture it. I want you here and I need you here, and I'd give anything in the friggin' world to have you here and talking back to me right now, but.. but that's what _I _want, and maybe- What I want maybe isn't the best thing for you…"

One of his hands lifted from the edge of the hospital bed's mattress to swipe at the tear that rolled down his cheek as he opened his eyes again.

"I just- I want you back, but.. but if after everything that's happened, if you're ready to let go, if that would be easiest for you, then- then I'll have to respect that. I'll have to try to understand." He nodded once and sniffled before reaching to carefully clasp his hand around the one of the brunet's that wasn't casted.

He wanted to believe it. He wanted to be able to trust himself in his saying that he could understand, that he would get through it if James didn't come back from this. The fact of the matter was, though, that he wasn't sure. He was typically pretty good at being sure, at knowing that what he was saying could be true and believable. But now, now there were so many things that he was unsure about, so many things that didn't have clear answers, or perfect outcomes. And that just made everything impossibly harder.


End file.
